The Magic Line - A poem about being an Autistic Trans Athlete (part 1)

Whether you are neurodivergent, queer, questioning, or an ally - welcome!

Episode Overview:

1. Intro
2. Mason reads his poem “The Magic Line“
3. The difficulties of being an Autistic Trans Athlete
4. The Joys of being an Autistic Trans Athlete
5. Outro
6. Bloopers

And remember - You make the world better. Our stories matter.

Instagram: @autistic.trans.guy

Email: autistic.trans.guy.experience@gmail.com

Instagram: @autistic.trans.guy

Email: autistic.trans.guy.experience@gmail.com

Transcript

Intro

Mason 0:00

Folks, I'm back! I'm sorry for the delay. There was a lot going on, and to be honest, um my perfectionism hit, and I had really trouble uh doing stuff. Executive functioning was not functioning. Uh anyway, I'm back and I'm really glad I am. Welcome to the Autistic Trends Guy Podcast, Poetry Edition. Whether you're neurodivergent, queer, or questioning, this is a safe space. A place for identity, shared struggle, and understanding. I'm Mason, I'm autistic and trans, and I'm here to share my voice through my poems. Welcome again. I'm so glad you're here. This is part one of a two-part series about what it's like being an autistic trans athlete. This episode is about what it's been like before transitioning and knowing that I'm autistic and trans. The next episode will be what it's like now. After transitioning and knowing. Big difference. In case you're new, each episode is structured as followed. A short intro. Then I'm gonna read a poem of mine, which is about the autistic and trans experience. Afterwards, I'll give personal context to it and dive deeper into the notions with the lens of intersectionality. Without further ado, let's jump right into it. Have you ever experienced the joy and the pain of sports? Then this poem might resonate with you. It's called The Magic Line.

Poem “The Magic Line“

Mason 2:23

Nine times nine, the size of the magic line. The whole day it's been on my mind waiting, no, longing for the stride over the line. Because once stepped over, the world is fine. Only inside that square the air is tranquil and filled with life, a space for potential to thrive. Outside though, the wind blows loud, a swirling storm carrying away any opportunity to be real. But on the court the mask of steel melts away, and I can finally feel. The space is held separate by the magic threshold. Get blurred, the court follows the social mold. The sports itself is pure though, the trajectory of the ball, a beautiful predictable arc, the absorption of energy and rotation by doing an exact motion. The sports itself ignites the spark, but the blur buries it, taints its timeless tethers that once held my whole world together. And all that's left is only a taste of the flame, but not in its pure version, and I'm scared to never experience it again. Time goes by and the blur still stirs, the outside space slowly takes over, the magic line has lost its power, and I find myself without a magic space, standing on the remnants of what once has been a magical place. It's not only the lost escape that aches. As a passionate person, the pain of the lack of space to occupy the flame is a feeling that no words could explain. Knowing you're meant for something great that aligns with everything you are, but there's no store for the spark that radiates out of your heart. I try for years and years to find the place that fits the fire in my veins, and have my pure passion laid out onto magic lanes. I knew that I'm meant to be on a sports ground. I wished for my potential to be found, but no one wanted to see. They only saw the social flaw in me. So I stopped the search and pretended not to care, because otherwise the pain would have drowned me and have blocked the access to air. So instead I stared out on the horizon with a longing heart in a lock, covered in fog. What pained me the most was knowing there is a slumbering potential inside of me, and have having nothing to be its host, only instances where some of it sprinkled free, and that was the most hurtful to see. A potential that's not fully lived to what it could be. So yes, the magic line comes with a lot of pain. It's a reminder of what I could have been, and a social barrier that was hindering it all. But it also stopped my fall. Everywhere else I was small. But volleyball, table tennis, and tennis made me feel tall. And without him, I probably wouldn't be here anymore. Life would have torn me apart. Sports allowed me to depart to a world full of grass, a mortar for my drive. Now I say goodbye to the court and want to remember it as the line that saved my life.

The difficulties of being an Autistic Trans Athlete

Mason 6:20

Sports is such a beautiful realm, and it can be wonderful for artistic trans people. For me, it was the only place I felt free. I remember in school, in the classroom, I was so reserved and was basically only sitting at my desk and being on my phone, feeling really anxious and awkward, and like a switch. The moment we had PE, I was a different person. Lively, full of energy. And once PE was over, the switch turned off again and I went into quiet mode. But yeah, um, especially with volleyball, table tennis, and tennis, um like the world around me was too loud and bright for me. But once I stepped over the line and stood on the court, the world was peaceful. The court was a realm where I felt safe. So if it wasn't for sports, I never would have gotten a taste of what it feels like to be me back then. It was an escape. And a compensation Because like I've always been good in sports, I played in various clubs and leagues, I was praised there, and that compensated for the lack of praise and attention in my social life. Which also meant consequently sports was fragile. Because when I didn't perform the way I know I can, it was the end of the world for me. So, before we jump into the amazing stuff about sports as an autistic trans person, let's dive into the difficulties. Disclaimer, I will talk about it through the lens of being an athlete. Meaning, I'll speak of the difficulties in sports in regards to doing sports on a regular basis, especially in a club and also in regards to team sports and so on. I know there are a lot of autistic trans people who don't enjoy doing sports, which is completely valid, and they definitely also face hardship in sports. Um, for example, in school, when they're basically expected to do certain things they're not comfortable with not comfortable with, and that's hard and sucks. Um I will talk about the difficulties about being an autistic trans athlete, though. Let's start with changing rooms. Locker rooms can be a horrible experience for autistic trans people. From the autism perspective, it's loud, the lights are bright, people chat across the room, and then the the odor of sweat and deodorant the sensory challenge of undressing and dressing and different kinds of fabrics, and most of the time you don't have a designated spot for you, so like the uncertainty of where to sit um is also challenging. Then the trans perspective. Having to change clothes in front of people when one isn't even able to see themselves in the mirror without having a panic attack. And communal showers. I never showered there. Always showered at home because it was too uncomfortable. And also like the conscious or unconscious lingering feeling of you belong in the other changing room. Transitioning um makes it all easier. For for me at least, it made it so much easier. But the in-between of not knowing if I pass enough to go to the man's locker room already, or passing uh too well to still go to the women's locker's room, it w it was a mess because there was a period of time where I didn't feel comfortable in either, because I got stairs in either one. Ugh, that was the hardest period of time, uh locker room-wise, and toilet-wise. The choice of which bathroom will I be the safest in? Yeah. But now that I'm fairly well passing, it's way easier and I feel safe in the men's locker room now. One thing I'm very conscious about now, though, is oh, will they notice my scars? Oh, will they notice that there's no bulge in my underhands? And that is really challenging in certain spaces, because I I may be met with unpleasant comments or even violence. Those are things that cis people don't even have to think of. Which trans people do. And there are so many other things, also autism related, that cis and neurotypical people just don't even think about. But we do and have to. We have to be careful in certain spaces. Um and they just don't think about that stuff. I'm very privileged to have found a space where I know people are accept accepting. Uh the sports I do now, the people are so accepting and lovely. And there are no communal showers. There are two showers in in total, uh, in separate rooms, which you can lock. And this is how it should be everywhere. It's so much more including and respectful of privacy. On to the next topic. Sports and the body. There were two truths for me. One, sports helped me to hyperfocus so much that for moments I forgot how uncomfortable I was feeling in my own skin. And with uncomfortable, I mean I wanted to rip certain things off my body. Um the second truth was at the same time, sports highlighted the discomfort I was feeling because it emphasized the parts of my body which made me uh feel the most uh dysphoric about. Life is full of contradictions uh that actually work together, and this is definitely one of them. Sports helped me to forget, but also made me wear two tight sports bras on top of each other because my boobs wiggling made me want to scream. On to the topic team sports. When you do team sports, it not only includes the sports itself, but everything outside of it as well. And with that I mean loads and loads of socializing. And for artistic people that can be extremely hard. Managing one-on-one conversations can be already challenging, but managing a whole team, a whole group of people, that's a whole different level. I remember the sentence zu zwei Deinspion which relates to uh translates, sorry, translates to warm-up in pairs. This sentence always had me shiver with anxiety because it always came with uncertainty. Do I have to ask someone uh today or will I get asked? The embarrassment that comes along with not being asked and just not knowing with whom will I be playing that day, and I even counted the number of players every training and always hoped for it to be an even number, so no one is left over. Yeah. And those are things like neurotypicals don't think about. Um I I think so. Uh what else? Uh it's so hard to be a part of a conversation because everyone is talking so randomly and these little groups naturally form, and for many autistic people that does not come naturally to us. So we have to put in a lot of cognitive energy to work out how these things work and copy what others are doing. Which is very, very draining. And my coping mechanism became fading into the background. When there were a lot of people, nobody noticed me. That was just more sustainable for me than forcing myself to talk and drain my energy. But it also came with the price of feeling lonely. But talking also made me feel lonely, so might as well choose the energy saving option. On to the next topic. Team duties. Um, kind of related, but a little different. When you do a team sports, there are certain things that are expected of you to do outside of the sports itself. That includes team building meetups, being a scorer at a match, or getting a referee license, locker room conversations, etc. And for many artistic people, that is just it's too much, too overwhelming. I certainly couldn't do it. But that had the consequence of not feeling completely a part of the team. Plus, if you don't feel completely comfortable, that also restricts the full potential of your performance. I I noticed that. Um, for example, once we were fewer people, um my performance was way better because I just felt more comfortable um in a smaller group of people. Um yeah. To me that was heartbreaking because the sports itself was the only thing that was enjoyable for me. It was my lifeline. That also meant when I didn't perform, like I know I can, that broke my heart. On to the next topic. Coming out to your team. Being autistic and playing in a team sports is challenging enough. But if you add being trans to the mix and want to come out to your teammates, this can be really nerve-wracking. Especially if you have social anxiety as well. Uh I couldn't do it in person. So I did via text. And I want to emphasize this, in case you're trans and decide to come out to someone, it is your decision and yours alone, in which way or fashion you do it. If you decide to do it, that is. You don't owe anyone that information. On to the next topic. Having to find a new team. It doesn't matter for which reason, but sometimes in sports you have to find a new team or switch teams. Very common. And this can be absolutely terrifying for artistic people. Because all the routines which were developed with difficulty get shattered and you have to jump into the complete unknown once again. Maybe a new location. How do I get there? Which route do I have to take exactly? When is the exact time I have to leave at home? When I'm going to come back. Then the most difficult difficult part in my opinion, the new teammates. I don't know them, they don't know me. I'm new, so the attention is on me. I can't slip into the background, I have to introduce myself, but to whom? All of them at the same time, or each person separately, but they're all talking to each other already. Should I interrupt them or when I should should I say something? Uh once I step into the gym, or should I wait? Where we should have sit or stand? Uh what should I do? There is no script for how to do that, or how it is expected to be done. I had no idea what to do. It was hard. And I had severe uh social anxiety. It was it was a nightmare. To add onto this. When when a trans athlete comes out to their team and switches too, for me was um uh I I I tried to switch to the men's team. And that was a nightmare. Because first of all, I'm already small for women's standards, so I'm really small for men's standards. And even though I I played uh Libero, which is the defense player in volleyball who doesn't jump at the net, I still had to switch positions sometimes, and I just could uh couldn't keep up with the net height. And I did love the velocity, the game w the game was way faster. I loved that, but I did not feel welcome in that team at all. They did not try to include me, I mean that was nothing new for me. Very rarely people made an effort to get to know me. But yeah, some of them misgendered me and s and stuff, so that sucked. Of course I did not stay there. And it it just baffles me how little or actually that there are none, or not that I know of no initiatives for neurodivergent and queer people in sports. Probably there are. What I try to know of are actually clubs targeted for Queer people. Um, I've never seen or heard of clubs for neo-divergent people though. But but th those are like separate things, and they are not really initiatives in the already established leagues. And I've never encounter encountered another queer person in the teams that I've played and only like well yes, but not really, and it's it's not because there are so little of us. No. I believe it's because there's no space for visibility and no space for such a conversation to be had in those high competitive sports clubs. Which makes me really sad. So many neurodivergent queer people who feel lonely in their sports. I definitely did. So I hope this episode brings awareness to that there are neurodivergent queer people in high competitive sports. We exist. And we need and want visibility and room for those conversations to be had. And with those conversations, I mean talking about how we how we can create sports, spaces safer and welcoming for everyone. Now,

The joys of being an Autistic Trans Athlete

Mason 23:34

we get into the amazing things about being an autistic trans athlete. First up, the autistic hyperfocus is awesome. And it's also such an advantage. When we lock in, we are locked in, laser focused, and it feels so good. And sports give us the awesome opportunity to utilize that hyperfocus. It like in those moments it feels like there's nothing in this world except for the sports itself and me. That depends on what sports, like uh sometimes it's the it's the ball and the court and tunnel vision. You know what I mean. Secondly, the attention to detail. The attention to detail allows us to really fine-tune the techniques required for the specific specific sports down to the T. To the point where we understand the essence of a movement. And I and I really mean that. Like sometimes I there's a moment where I grasp the essence of the technique or movement, and it's just like I really it really clicks and I feel it, and it's just like ah, I love it. Okay. Thirdly, pattern recognition. We are amazing at recognizing patterns, which is definitely helpful when doing slash playing sports. For example, when like uh when the um oppon opponent or opposing team like does a certain thing a couple of times, then you notice that and you can adapt your own play to counter that. Fourth point the euphoria sports can give us is incredible. I know for a fact that many trans guys, especially, love the gym, me included, especially before HRT. It helped me deal with dysphoria and give it gave me a little bit of euphoria. And now seeing my muscles grow, it's just uh utter joy. I do gotta say that I lost a little bit of motivation to go to the gym. I I don't need it anymore because now I I do kung fu. Um and like uh prefer uh stuff with like exercise with uh with body weight. Gosh, that was poorly phrased, I'm sorry. But yeah, it's just something that I noticed since since I'm on tea. Uh I think going to the gym for me was really just like dealing with dysphoria because now I don't really have the urge to go there anymore because like my muscles are growing anyway. Um I I still love the gym. It's just like I don't go as often anymore, and I do another sports now. I don't I didn't want to talk bad about the gym. Anyway, tangent. Sorry, fifth point sports can give us a space to make socializing easier. Because for me, for example, table tennis and tennis and volleyball, when I played with someone outside of training and just for fun, it it was way easier to connect with that person um than if we would have just just met up um without playing the sports. Because like we both had something to focus on, plus I felt way more comfortable from the get-go because I was way more confident in sports and um knew my skills, and so they got to see and experience a a realer, real, uh a more authentic version of me than otherwise. And it always feels like body doubling, but a bit more socially rewarding, in my opinion. Last but not least, artistic and trans people are such passionate people. When we love something, we love it with all our heart. And that shows.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

So yeah.

Mason 28:39

I know I was elaborating more on the difficulties than I did on the amazing things. Uh, and that's not because I feel like there is an imbalance, not at all. I promote sports till the day I die. It's more that the amazing things need to be felt. There are hardly any words to describe the wonderful feeling sports can give you. It needs to be experienced. The message for this episode: Autistic trans people belong in sports. We belong.

Outro

Mason 29:28

I hope you enjoyed it. If you want me to write a poem about a specific feeling, topic, or experience, let me know. I want this to be a collaborative endeavor. We're a community. You can either reach me on my Instagram account, autistic.trans.guy, or you can email me to the address autistic.trans.guy.experience at gmail.com. Now, I'd love to hear about you. What was your experience like with sports? You can comment on a post um for the respective episode. I think it's episode six. Uh I'm sorry if I'm wrong, on my Instagram account, or you can write me a message directly on Instagram if you only want me to read it. I'm looking forward to reading about you and to chat. And remember, you make the world better. Our stories matter.

Bloopers

SPEAKER_01 31:06

Oh. I put you in the line. La la la.

Mason 31:11

Okay. All righty.

SPEAKER_01 31:16

Take number two.

Mason 31:19

My very professional setup three books stacked on top of each other.