The in-between - A poem about floating in the middle

Whether you are neurodivergent, queer, questioning, or an ally, welcome!

Episode Overview:

1. Short introduction
2. Reading Mason’s poem The in-between
3. Stanza by stanza analysis
4. Bloopers

And remember - You make the world better. Our stories matter.

Instagram: @autistic.trans.guy

Email: autistic.trans.guy.experience@gmail.com

Transcript

Mason 0:00

This show is meant to create a space for people to not be in the closet. He says while literally sitting in the closet. Welcome to the Autistic Trans Guy Podcast, Poetry Edition. Whether you're neurodivergent, queer, or questioning, this is a safe space. A place for identity, shared struggle, and understanding. I'm Mason, I'm autistic and trans, and I'm here to share my voice through my poems. Welcome again. I'm so glad you're here. Yeah, what can I say? I'm literally recording in my closet. Because everywhere else it was fucking too loud. So, I thought there are perks of being small. Shout out to all the small kings out there. I know in the podcast description it says it's a bi-weekly episode release, but I honestly was so excited I couldn't wait that long. But in the future, I'm gonna publish consistently and I'm gonna tell you when that is. And I mean, I'm not bi, I'm gay. So maybe that's why. And that even rhymes. Okay, a few episodes in and I'm gonna talk in rhymes all day. Anyway, joking aside, let's continue. In case you're new here, the episodes are structured as followed. A short intro, and then I'm gonna read a poem of mine, which is about a particular aspect of the autistic and trans experience, and afterwards I'll give some personal context to it and dive deeper into the notions which are touched on. And today, stanza by stanza. So, let's jump right in. Have you ever found yourself in between of two very different phases of your life? Kinda like not here anymore, but also not over there yet, not anchored in either, floating right in the middle. Then this poem might resonate with you. It's called The In Between . Not here, not there floating in the ether. The in between of not knowing which name to say in which circumstance, a cognitive dance of constantly calculating, my identity fading in and out, cascading up or down a hill, depending on the surroundings. When will it finally be still on leveled ground, in all environments safe and sound? The in between of not knowing which bathroom to use anymore, two doors, one feeling. Sweat covering my body, my eyes tracing left and right. In there I get stared at. In the other I might be met with violence. There's little chance there to be a third space for me to feel fully safe. Why do I always have to be brave? On top of that, being autistic for me includes the difficulty to deal with uncertainty. The pressure to decide freezes me up inside. And the bathroom has always been my escape space. Now I have to brace myself for reactions in unpleasant shapes and forms. So for now, I float in the unknown of either or. The in between of scheduling surgery and the actual day of being free. Waiting, waiting, eagerly waiting, counting the days, may the calendar flip its way through this phase. Though there seems to be no wind to accelerate the wait, my mind in an anticipatory state. Impatiently I sit with the feeling of eternity. The in between of a career change. I know what I don't want to do and I know what I want to do, the plan in motion, though until then I'm in waiting mode, floating in this strange period, with a myriad of time and no structure. And our culture seems to dislike that phase, and seems to forget that some of us are not that privileged. Some might not have the capacities to withstand certain kinds of employment. Society doesn't consider disabilities and brain diversities in their calculations. They put the same expectations on us. Thus we're othered yet again, and look down upon for not achieving what they can. But everyone is holding a different pen to write their story. The ink inventory varies too, since cartridges come in different sizes, shapes, and hues. Our calligraphy also differs. Some require more time to arrive at the same verse. I'm not at the page yet where I want to be, floating in the lines between, waiting for the new chapter to begin. The in between of knowing who I am and the life in accordance. I finally realized who I am. Now I'm in the space between, between living in the remnants of who I've been and the person I envision. So what I do, I calibrate my surroundings anew. Only so I can let go of the old, be bold, and find the ones who resonate with the persona who waits on the horizon. Whether or not I reach this version depends on breaking patterns. That requires a rewire of my brain, which takes courage and is quite exhausting. I choose this turn though, I'm more than ready to grow out of in and into habits. As of now, I'm floating in the middle, between saying goodbye to the remnants of my past and fully embody my new lens that casts the world in color. Alright, let's dissect this poem stanza by stanza. The first one is about the phase that a lot of trans people go through, where you have already realized that you're trans, but either haven't started your transition or are in the beginning, or any other circumstance, and you find yourself in a situation where you meet a new person or a group of people, and you don't know whether you should tell them your dead name still or your chosen name. And there are two options. The one being hurtful in the moment, and the other having the potential of being detrimental. The first one being when you choose to tell them your dad name, for a lot of us, it comes with mental pain to say our dad name out loud. Because it's not it's it's not just a name and it's it's not just a word. Words convey meaning, actual meaning. And meaning has the potential for a lot of impact. And words are representatives of meaning. And for some of us, a dead name represents years and years of hiding, pretending, inauthenticity, social incongruity, alienation, not being accepted, not being respected, a prison. And on on top of that, as an autistic person, for me, um like like like for example, choosing a word that deviates in meaning from the meaning in my head, even if it's just a tiny bit, my brain explodes. And and with a dead name, it not just deviates a little bit, it's just downright wrong. And the second option is when you choose to tell them your chosen name and risk being outed, which in some cases is dangerous. Or what in my experience, which which I got a lot, is this utter look of confusion on their face. It conveys the subtext of You don't look like the gender that I associate with that name. And that's why I choose these facial expressions to give you a glance into the harmful stereotypes and gender roles that have been indoctrinated into my brain since I was a toddler. And I did not care to untangle the things I've been taught growing up, and even less do I care about looking at them critically and think and form an opinion for myself. Why would I do that? I'm a transphobe. I don't think at all. Yep. I'm not I'm I'm not saying that everyone is a transphobe who looks confused after hearing a name which was unexpected to them. They might be or they might not be. Either way, such reactions, even if it's subtle, they they hurt. One one time in university I I introduced myself as Mason. I wasn't on T yet and I was not only met by that confused look, no, the the gaze wasn't enough. She literally pointed at me and said, You? You are called Mason? I I I honestly expected better at university. But yeah, no, that that was the only instance at university. And kind of funny in retrospect. Anyway, I also want to shed a light on the cognitive energy and effort it takes to constantly be calculating which environment or which person is safe and which and who is not. And and then to remember each. And especially as an autistic person, it's it's hard enough to read the person's intention as it is, but then also having to pick up the clues that might hint on you're safe with me is quite a challenge to put it lightly. Okay, on to the second stanza. Quite similar to the first one, it's also about not knowing in which space you're safe, and in this case uh in regards to bathrooms. And there is yet another layer put upon it by the fact of being it autistic again. The the the unknown of where to go in any situation, in any given situation, is hard. Because it it comes with a lot of cognitive work, a lot of calculating and and picking up certain things and and consciously so. Like it it doesn't happen automatically, like so many things that don't happen automatically as an autistic person that we have to do manually and consciously with a lot of effort, which is so so draining on a daily basis. And the thing is oftentimes oftentimes we we do we do and ch we do and achieve the same things that neurotypicals do, but nobody actually sees how much mental effort and energy it took to have done that specific thing. Whereas for neurotypical people it does happen automatically and organically, and they don't even have to think about so many things that we do have to think about and have to consider and calculate and consciously pick up on on a daily basis. But that that that's a whole other topic for another episode. Let's move on to stanza three. This one is about the waiting for a gender-affirming surgery appointment. Sometimes you have to wait for months and sometimes years. And there's the feeling of relief of finally having scheduled it, which is then accompanied by the pain of waiting. I feel like I feel like many people say in those situations, Yeah, it's it's gonna fly by. And most of the time they are well intentioned by saying that. But when it comes to having to live with body parts that you want to tear off your skin every moment, every day of your life, then it does not fly by. On to stanza four. A lot of the times I've been in the in-between of a career change. The reas the reasons being that I realized that that it was not the right thing for me content-wise, but also because some things I just could not manage socially and structurally. Um and and so I I found myself in the in-between space of waiting for the new thing to start and having dropped out of the old thing. And at quite a lot of times by now. And and for some it might sound relaxing. Oh, you have so much free time, which yes, it it honestly it can be, but dealing with the lack of structure as an autistic person is unsettling and dysregulating. And I'm an ADHD or too, so giving the days and weeks structure myself and keeping that structure is beyond difficult. So on one hand I need structure. On the other, I can't keep it. My my living space is the best depiction of that. When when I tidy up it is immaculate afterwards. Every little thing has its exact place it needs to be, and that stays that way for maybe two days, and it's a total mess again. And the cycle repeats. In in in a future episode I'll definitely talk about the autism and ADHD intersectionality on an individual experience level as well. What also needs to be addressed is the loneliness that c can come with being in such an in-between state of careers or education. It can feel like everyone is living their lives, being part of something, part of society, part of humanity, while you feel detached from everything. And I've written a poem about exactly that feeling of the world spinning without you. So a little teaser for the next episode. And ultimately, the fifth and last stanza. This one talks about the phase of healing. The phase where there still might be um some behavioral patterns that are the testament of remnants from the past. For me there was trauma, and now I'm in the process of building up my self-esteem and confidence, which have been shattered over the course of my life. Or no, like like how I like to visualize it, confidence is always there within you, because being confident comes with being authentic, in my opinion, but it can be hidden away by by layers upon layers of hard or traumatic past experiences, expectations, stereotypes, all that stuff. And instead of adding things to become confident, I peel away layers of toxicity so that confidence can shine again. At least that's that's how I like to visualize it. Okay Wow That was quite a plunge into the poem. Now I'd love to hear about you. What in between phase in your life was the most significant to you? You can comment on the post for episode two on my Instagram account, artistic.trans.guy, or you can write me a message directly on Instagram if you only want me to read it. I'm looking forward to reading about you and to chat. And remember, you make the world better. Our stories matter. Okay. I hope it's not gonna be a lot of cars. And there's another car. Does it work? Yes, yes. Ooh, it works well. Okay. The sun is shining Why do I have to yawn so much today? A place for Iden an identity shears struggle and understanding. Okay. My leg. No. Meine Hüfte, meine Hüfte. Ouch Okay. Damn. I I've literally been sitting in this closet, which is not very big, for half an hour. Let there be sun. Oh my god. That was actually fun.